Tuesday, 30 October 2012

The grief inside - My body turned against me

For those of you who maybe sufferers of this horrid disease you have my sympathy.

My body is now pulling against me from teh years of suffering and pain I have put it through. My eyesight is leaving me fast and my Gums are in a bad way not to mention the enamal on my teeth is very thin and I am hyper sensitive to hot and cold.

My matabalism is shot and no matter what I do my heart rate does nothing to burn callories anymore.

Not to mention that I hate it when I get a bout of teh guilts and purge even a salad that overfills me in my mind is enough to throw me into a spin. I would love to find a diet that can kick start weight loss and help me loose weight and at teh same time stop me from feeling guilty and pruging. I need to have the full feeling and I think I need to eat less more often but I just dont have the information at hand. maybe I will do some searches on line and see what I can find.

My weight has increased steadily the last 6 minths and I am eating right and excersising but alas I cant loose it and its starting to piss me off. I hate who I am and I hate that others can see it in my now dead eyes, my wife wont come near me and I think she is repulsed by my weight gain. Then she hates it if she knows I purge as well because I might set off one of our daughters if they see me. I am lost I need help and I can help others at the same time why is that? My writing is the only thing that helps me. I have 4 blogs now including this one and three novels published. You can find them on Amazon and iBookstoor as well as Barnes and Nobles.

I am thinking of writing a story of my bulimia and how it has effected my life and my mind over teh 48 years of my life I would love to hear from anyone who might think this is a good or bad idea.

Well I am off to see if I cant loose some of this weight.

Monday, 20 August 2012

My life is a trial

Today I lookad at myself and thought you fat bastard.

I am in a slump at present all weekend I was at the gym and spent hours on the cross trainer burning upward of 2,500 calories. All for what. I have good eating habits and then bam I open a packet of chips. The bag was gone and I was downing a bucket of water to try and help me bring them back up again. I burst all the blood vessles in my eyes because of the strain of trying to bring the food back up out of my stomach. I felt so ashamed of myself that I got all depressed and cried for about 10 minutes before I was overcome with teh need to feed again. 8 heaped teaspoons of Milo into a glass with a tiny bit of milk just to make a sweet milo mud and I was in hevean again feeding my need to hate myself. Again I vomited it all back up and crawled into bed feeling sore and mentally scared from my nights loathing. My wife none the wiser of my escapades I fell asleep thinking all teh time how ashamed I was of myself. Its just not fair. Why do I have to feel this way. I was doing so good but being good means putting weight on and I can ill afford to do that. My life sucks, I hate it so much now.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

just finished my shower and looked at myself in the mirror. Yuk I have put on so much weight I was on the cross trainer yesterday for 90 mins and burt 1600 calaries but for what it just does not translate to weight loss. It sucks I eat well I watch my diet and I have to look after my 76 yr old father today and tonight as he had a knee replacement and he is by himself after mum died. it sucks I cant be thin. I hate my body! I hate throwing up and I hate all this shit. Its just not fair. I eat nothing wrong but still it does not come off. Its no wonder I am like I am but my body has rebelled against me from all the years of Bulimia and now my heart is week and my teeth are playing up. If you are thinking of being like me dont its sucks I tell you. 30+ years of abuse and my body has had enough. Its just not fair!

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Having a hard time lately nothing I do gets my head straight and even teh writing isnt having teh desired effect any more. I write lots because its a distraction from my day to day life. I hate my body and I hate how I look. I just cant get out of the cycle of things. Maybe I need a doctor this time. I am not sure any more my body does not loose teh weight like it used to and my teeth cant take any more vomiting. My self esteme is dying slowly and my sex life is now almost non existant because I cant look at myself in the mirror/ I just hate being a 48 year old fat guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It fucking sucks. Here I am trying to help others with their issues and my own demons have come back to haunt me. I just downwed a pack of Maltesers followed by a litre of water and brought the whole thing up again. My stomache hurts and my eyes have burst blood vessles from the strain.


Tuesday, 24 July 2012

life is so hard

At the moment I am fighting th demons inside. I just cant seem to loose any weight at all no matter what I do. My body is rebelling against me for the 30 years of abuse and my metabelisam is telling me to go F$ck myself.

I just cant get my head straight. I want to be good but the temptation is there its almost like being a junkie - one more hit wont hurt, nothing has happened so far so what will one little purge hurt. Thats what its like living as a Bulimic! its not like you can take a tablet and its all better, no its a mental affliction and a sustainable high that is self image! I just dont know what to do.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Bulimic Me

I bathe my cheeks in tears of shame
As another wave of nausea overcame

I look into my soul and what do I see
A frightened boy looking back at me

Years of despair and self loathing haunt
Like the school yard bully about to taunt

My life isa fast and deadly roller coaster ride
Full of ups and downs with nowhere to hide

My body hurts from years of purging hate
I am so used to opening the welcoming gate

My body is dying, slowly beyond repair
My gums and teeth and my dark thick hair

My heart is heavy with my lying and deceit
But my eating and purging I must repeat

To hide like a child deep within one self,
Is the hardest thing to keep upon the shelf!
He stares back at me from deep within my heart
And does not allow me to make a new start

The affirmation he seeks is never spoken
And the internal fight is but a token

I have tamed the beast that lives within
But with each breath it harbours sin

The belief that one day the turmoil will stop
Before I take my last breath and down I drop

I live in hope that thru me others will see
That there are no winners when you are like me!

Copywrite Graeme Hawke 2012

The Beginning of my issues

For all of you out there I will paint a picture of a young boy for you so you can understand.

I was born 10th july 1964 at 7.30am at west beach Adelaide in Australia. My parents were good middle class parents with no real issues or hangups except it was the 60's and my father was a 50's man he had no tollerence for weakness and no tollerence for not doing as you were told. I was a huge kid Tall as well as large and this made my life a split personality in many ways. If your young and large as a boy there are two things that you can be assured of, cruel peers and those who will gravitate towards you for protection. I was a gentle giant as my mother put it but inside by the time I was 10 years old the damage was done.

I was called fatty and lard arse, and that was just my father! My mother bless her called me fatty as she called it her pet name for me a term of endearment that she held up until the last time I spke with her when she held my hand in november 2010 and said I'm going to die arn't I fat's. I laughed and cried all at the same time. My spirit was broken because of my weight and she knew it, we never discussed it but my mother knew my pain. She read my poetry and writing as a child and could see the torment in my words.

By the age of ten I was 5'10" tall and a fully functioning man. Yes I was fertile at 10 years old and it scared teh crap out of me. I was 90kg and built like a man. I had to wear mens clothes as nothing my age fitted me and I looked different because fo this to my peers. At school this year in grade 5 I had my first encounter with a real bully that went physical. He tormented me all lunch time at school and I lost it and answered back to which he took offence to and attacked me, noe he was a good head shorter than me and nowhere near my strength but I had to defend myself. He lashed out and kicked at me, I grabbed his leg and flung him in teh air and before he could hit teh ground I was on him, I dont remember much accept it took 3 students and two teachers to get em off him and I busted him up pretty good. He was 12 at the time. Lets just say no-one bothered me after that but it was also because I was the schools "A" grade ruckman at 10! by teh time I was 11 I was rucking for my primary school and my brothers highschool team on a saturday morning under an assumed name. SPORT sees me as a hero at this stage of my life and I assume status because of my size and ability. The on field jibes never stopped and the off field either. Girls well thats a whole nother story.

next time I will attempt to tell you of those late primary early teen years.


Thursday, 19 July 2012

Thought for today

Ok here it goes, you are who you are and your parents past will come into play as mine did. My father was brought up strict with no father of his own and his thoughts on having a fat son were guided by 1950's to 70's thinking. You have two choices, smile be quiet or rebel and stand up and be counted as a young adult. Both of these have issues, I know - I sat quiet about my size as a child and adolescent and now 30+ years on here I am still a Bulimic, I often wonder if I had told people to shut up and respect me if my life would be different. Who knows now but I do know one thing. That sad quiet and loving giving little overweight boy is still in here and he guides me along every day with my choices.

Make the right one and be true to who you want to be not who you are now.
I hope it helps.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Bulimia and me

If you suffer from this disease please feel free to contact me by email to discuss issues if you wish and if your a parent please if you need assistanec just ask I have two daughters and I can only hope they dont follow my footsteps. I have seen what this disease can do.

Well lets start this off with what the doctors say and what I think about that! I have been suffering and still do for nearly 31 years, and as a male I was part of the 0.5% of males thought to have an eating disorder in the late 80's although I started in 1981. It started like all things psycological with an idea and then reward. But lets not jump ahead of ourselves. I want to check how I stack up against the mediacl preoffession.

Physical Effects - Bulimia
There are many physical symptoms associated with Bulimia Nervosa, many of which are similar to the effects of Anorexia Nervosa. Some of the physical symptoms associated with bulimia include:
  • Tooth decay  - This a a problem we all suffer but when your a bulimic its twice as bad my teeth are so thin with enamal I suffer the pain of cold and hot and at times just cant eat or dring certain things without pain.
  • Dehydration - Your skin is always dry and flakey its not a nice thing and ay times dizzyness will hit because of the issues around dehydration and headaches are always present.
  • Stomach & intestinal ulcers - I suffered from Duadenal ulcers and also irritable bowl are they related? god only knows.
  • Inflammation & rupture of the oesophagus - Constant issue pain and suffering are the bulimics friend.
  • Irregular or slow heart beat - I now have a metabalisim that stinks because I cant raise my heart rate much and as such my resting rate is 43 bpm which my doctor says I am dead.
  • Heart failure - I know I have damaged my heart by doing this because as you excert in vomiting you pause the heart muscle and damage it. I also have a bivalve instead of a trivalve in my main vein from the heart and now I have to have a valve replacement at around 55 to ensure I dont suffer heart failure.
  • Swollen salivary glands - I often get asked if I have swolan glands because they are inflamed and swolen, they make your face look fatter and change the way you look.
  • The possibility of a ruptured stomach - Thank god no
  • Chronic sore throat and gullet
  • Sore throat, indigestion, heartburn and reflux - A bain of my life now!
  • Abdominal pain and bloating - Farting and bloating is caused by the intake of air during teh vomiting stages of the disease.
  • Electrolyte imbalance resulting in cardiac arrhythmia, muscle fatigue and cramps - Yes
  • Bowel problems, constipation, diarrhoea, cramps - Yes
Psychological Effects - Bulimia
  • Difficulties with activities which involve food - I have never suffered any of this as I love food no matter what it does to my body
  • Loneliness due to self-imposed isolation and a reluctance to develop personal relationships- This is sometimes true its hard making new friends when your in the toilet throwing up. 
  • Deceptive behaviours relating to food - True I will not eat certain things because they hurt coming back up and I also eat alone late at night and scurry like a mouse when I hear someone comming.
  • Fear of the disapproval of others if the illness becomes known - This is the worse feeling ever for a guy, if your outed its like being gay the abuse is amazing as its a chick problem, the fear of being found leads to strange behavour and isolation as well.
  • Mood swings, changes in personality, emotional outbursts or depression - Depression is the worst I suffer bouts of uncontrollable crying for no reason its such a bad thing.
  • Self harm, substance abuse or suicide attempts - Self loathing is the killer here I have to tell you and as a bullied child suicide was on the cards.
  • Overly sensitive to references about weight or appearance  - Always
  • Guilt, self disgust, self loathing - As above this is teh worst and it leads to other behaviours and harm to self and others.
  • Anxiety - you are always hiding
  • Depression - Its a lonely disease
Behavioural Effects - Bulimia
  • Frequent trips to the bathroom, especially after eating. The length of time taken for these bathroom trips can depend on the amount of food consumed and the need felt by the sufferer to purge themselves of it. - I had this down pat and used to drink so much water at the meal so I could get it up easier, but dont be fooled people do notice it, and if your a parent reading this this is teh tell tale within 30 mins of eating I would do my best to get rid of teh meal, I even taught myself to vomit on conmmand and would take a couple of short trips so people would think I was drinking too much.
  • Food avoidance, dieting behaviour. This may because of a fear of gaining weight (as in Anorexia Nervosa) and it may also be to avoid the unpleasant ritual of purging afterwards. - Nup never avaided food only when I was heavily dieting.
  • Fluctuations in weight - My weight was and still is all over teh place but now 30= years later its harder to loose
  • Erratic behaviour - not realy I used to hide more than eratic
  • Mood swings - I spose never really noticed
Ok so now I have answered the doctors questions but teh reality is that it starts in the most simple ways. I will do my best over the next few weeks months to tell you more about my condition.

My number is available if you ask.first keep coming back for updates I will go over my past and other issues for you to read and also try and gain insight if it helps. all questions answered.