Friday, 6 September 2013

The Pain of Today

My Bulimic Mind

              What I can tell you is that depression and self loathing are a group deal when you suffer bulimia, and Its becoming even more evident to me that there are longer lasting mental issues that are associated with my illness.

              last night was a prime example of what I will share with you today. I left work after a fairly ordinary day and I was feeling good about myself in many ways because work is one thing we do well as we need the stimulus during the day. But I had to shop for bread and get a haircut. It was while my amazing barber was cutting my hair that I saw myself in the mirror and felt physically distressed, my double chin and bloated face, the double lines in my neck creases all made me feel ugly and within an instant I was back on the downward spiral.

             I paid and left to get dinner for the family and stopped to get fish and Chicken and some chips for us and then I preceded to eat the food and then some more and more. I felt fat, upset and annoyed with my health, my mind and my looks. It sucks that less than 5 years ago I was as fit as a bull and the blood clots I have had in the last 4 years has decimated me both physically and mentally. I have been drug free only 15 months in this 4 year period. I am a mess, and it sucks its just not fair. I cant seem to get past the current bout of depression that I have and the mirror is my worst friend in the world. My emotions are fucked up and I cry all day and wake up at all hours of the night in cold sweats dreaming of the past and the bullying I received and the taunting I endured at the hands of so called friends and family. Its official "TOUGH LOVE" is NOT LOVE! it is damaging to the mind and soul, and I am true testament to this fact.

            Anyway back to my trials of last night. I ate drank 4 glasses of water and waited for my wife to leave then proceeded to lock myself in the toilet and vomited as much as I could, the purge was emotional and draining as the fluid took some of my stomach contents with it. I then cleaned up went out and drank another 3 glasses of water and sat waiting for a good time and off I went again this time using my finger to try and bring as much up as possible. I collapsed on the floor in a flood of tears and emotional pain looking at myself thinking what a looser I am, maybe they are right maybe they were always right. I am just a fat bastard destined to be that all my life and die a fat fuck in an over-sized coffin. There are times I think of just getting it over with not having to put up with the taunts, the side ways jabs from friends family and colleagues. Its just too much at times and today is one of those times, my mind is fragile if my body is not, so I damage that which is strong to the detriment of that which is weak. I need help but am unsure where to turn. I am fine writing but talking about the shame and addiction to self harm which is what this is is just so hard. Its easy when your a teen everyone labels you as an emo or whatever but as a 49 year old man your just weak! that's the problem I am weak.

Thanks for listening

G
















Wednesday, 28 August 2013

The Bulimic Ninja - signs to look for! - English / French / German / Spanish



OK! being a long term Bulimic I know the ways of the Bulimic Ninja! 

Why? you ask a Ninja - Because we are a secretive lot who never want anyone else to know our shame and  the reasons behind why we do what we do.

I am going to share with you the things to look for in your friends, family or loved ones to see if what you suspect could be true.


  1.  Look for blood in the sink - Often when you purge you damage the back of the throat and the result is blood in spittle
  2. Bleeding gums - The acid build up on teeth makes them sick and they bleed with brushing.
  3. Excessive brushing of teeth - this is done to remove the sick smell or to remove the acid and food build up after vomiting.
  4. Drinking excessive amounts of water - Water during before and after meals allows us to vomit easier.
  5. Frequent visits to the toilet during meals if you are at a restaurant - I would finish entree then vomit - finish main and vomit then desert and vomit. The excess water is also a good excuse as to why they get up to go to the toilet. A professional bulimic or long term sufferer can vomit an entire meal in the same time it takes you someone to pee, so don't be tricked by the time spent in the loo.
  6. We disappear at parties - random times at a venue we will leave to vomit and then reappear as if nothing has happened.
  7. Look for burst blood vessels around the eyes and in the eyebrows. - This is a sign of straining over the bowl - Girls can cover this with make-up so be vigilant.
  8. Blood shot and watery eyes - A bulimic often cry's during a purge, not because they want to but because of the act itself. if someone looks like they have been crying after a visit to the loo then this is s sign of purging.
  9. Weight will not decrease! but often we stay the same or put more on that creates a more sever cycle.
  10. We Lie well - I am the most accomplished lier you will meet. I can look you in the eye and you WILL believe me. 
  11. If you confront us we will lie - Even if you cat a bulimic purging they will lie. We are so ashamed of what we do mentally that it creates a total sense of disbelief.
  12. Yelling at us does not work - If you find and confront a bulimic they will lie and hold firm and only get worse. you will not help by yelling at them. They need time and love to overcome this disease. Look at me I'm 49 and I am still plagued.
  13. We are guilty! - we feel the guilt that racks our body and mind and hate our bodies then love them depending on the time in the cycle.
  14. Eat a lot of the wrong things - We will go through stages of eating well, then the guilt happens and the self loathing and we will eat excess of junk, or sweet things, often stuff that's easy to purge. IE Chocolate / Ice cream / biscuits / cake lollies.
  15. Help is for sick people - we will never agree to it we are not sick!
  16. Love us and in time we will come around.
  17. Bulimics use sex in replacement of love! - we need to feel wanted for our appearance.
What I can tell you is we are sick, indeed very ill both physically and mentally. If you are a sufferer reading this then you know I am right, the physical damage is long term and nasty, the short term is also not good either but the main issue is that no matter how long you have been or are bulimic from the time of your first purge you are now a mental sufferer as well. 

We move in the darkness of our own minds, the self loathing, the mood swings, the sleepless nights, the crying for no reason, the dark moods that cause suicidal thoughts!

All of the above are prevalent from day one!! DAY ONE!!!! if you think I am wrong please I would like to argue it out with you as I know I am damaged goods, I have dark days and nights. I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful daughters but there are times I want to not be here. 

This IS a MENTAL illness as much if not more than a physical one.

I am going to finally seek help after 32 years will you!

Graeme Hawke.
(bulimic sufferer for 32 years)

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German

OK! ein langfristig Bulimic Ich weiß, die Wege des Bulimic Ninja!
Warum? Sie fragen, eine Ninja - Weil wir eine Menge, die nie verschwiegen, dass jemand anders zu unserer Schande, und die Gründe, warum wir tun, was wir wissen.
Ich werde gemeinsam mit Ihnen die Dinge, die für Ihre Freunde, Familie oder Lieben zu sehen, ob das, was Sie vermuten könnte wahr sein.

 
Suchen Sie nach Blut in der Spüle - Oft, wenn Sie spülen Sie beschädigen die Rückseite der Kehle und das Ergebnis ist Blut im SpeichelZahnfleischbluten - Der Aufbau von Milchsäure auf den Zähnen macht sie krank und sie mit Bürsten bluten.Übermäßige Zähneputzen - das wird getan, um die Kranken zu riechen oder zu entfernen, um die Säure zu entfernen und Lebensmittel aufzubauen nach dem Erbrechen.Trinken großer Mengen von Wasser - Wasser während vor und nach den Mahlzeiten erlaubt uns, leichter erbrechen.Häufige Besuche auf die Toilette während der Mahlzeiten, wenn Sie in einem Restaurant - ich würde Vorspeise beenden dann erbrechen - fertig Haupt-und dann erbrechen Wüste und erbrechen. Das überschüssige Wasser ist auch eine gute Ausrede, warum sie aufstehen, um zur Toilette zu gehen. Eine professionelle Bulimie oder langfristig Leidende kann eine ganze Mahlzeit in der gleichen Zeit, die Sie jemand zu pinkeln erbrechen, also nicht von der Zeit in der Toilette ausgetrickst werden.Wir verschwinden auf Partys - random mal an einem Ort verlassen wir zu erbrechen und dann wieder auftauchen, als ob nichts passiert ist.Suchen Sie nach Blutgefäße platzen um die Augen und in den Augenbrauen. - Dies ist ein Zeichen von Anstrengung über die Schüssel - Mädchen können diese mit Make-up so wachsam sein decken.Blood Shot und tränende Augen - Eine Bulimie oft weinen die während einer Spülung, nicht weil sie wollen, sondern weil der selbst zu handeln. wenn jemand schaut, wie sie nach einem Besuch in dem Klo haben geweint, dann ist dies s Zeichen der Spülung.Gewicht wird sich nicht verringern! aber oft haben wir die gleiche bleiben oder setzen mehr auf die eine mehr sever Zyklus erzeugt.Wir liegen gut - ich bin der versiertesten lier Sie treffen werden. Ich kann Ihnen in die Augen schauen, und Sie werden mir glauben.Wenn Sie uns konfrontieren wir liegen - Selbst wenn Sie eine Bulimie Spülen sie liegen Katze. Wir sind so beschämt von dem, was wir tun, mental, dass es eine absolut Sinn des Unglaubens schafft.Schrie uns nicht funktioniert - Wenn Sie und finden Sie eine Bulimie konfrontieren sie liegen und halten fest und nur noch schlimmer. Sie werden nicht durch Geschrei auf ihnen zu helfen. Sie brauchen Zeit und Liebe, um diese Krankheit zu überwinden. Schau mich an ich bin 49 und ich bin immer noch geplagt.Wir sind schuldig! - Fühlen wir uns die Schuld, dass Racks unseren Körper und Geist und unserem Körper hassen dann lieben sie abhängig von der Zeit im Zyklus.Essen Sie viel die falschen Dinge - Wir werden durch Phasen gut essen gehen, dann die Schuld geschieht und der Selbsthass und wir essen mehr als Junk oder süßen Sachen, oft Sachen, die leicht zu reinigen ist. IE Schokolade / Eis / Gebäck / Kuchen am Stiel.Hilfe für kranke Menschen - wir werden es nie stimmen wir sind nicht krank!Liebe uns und in der Zeit werden wir vorbeikommen.Bulimics benutzen Sex als Ersatz für die Liebe! - Müssen wir für unseren Auftritt fühlen wollte.Was ich Ihnen sagen kann ist, dass wir krank sind, in der Tat sehr schlecht sowohl physisch als auch psychisch. Wenn Sie ein Leidender lesen, dann wissen Sie, ich bin richtig sind, die physischen Schaden langfristig und böse ist, ist die kurzfristige auch nicht gut, aber das Hauptproblem ist, dass egal, wie lange Sie schon oder Bulimie aus der Zeit sind Ihrer ersten Säuberung Sie sind jetzt eine mentale Leidende als gut.
Wir bewegen uns in die Dunkelheit unseres eigenen Geistes, der Selbsthass, die Stimmungsschwankungen, die schlaflosen Nächte, das Weinen ohne Grund, weil die dunklen Stimmungen, die Selbstmordgedanken!
Alle der oben genannten sind weit verbreitet vom ersten Tag an! DAY ONE!! wenn Sie denken, dass ich falsch bitte ich möchte es mit dir streiten, wie ich bin ich beschädigte Ware wissen, ich habe dunkle Tage und Nächte. Ich habe eine schöne Frau und zwei schöne Töchter, aber es gibt Zeiten, Ich will nicht hier sein.
Dies ist eine psychische Krankheit so viel, wenn nicht mehr als eine physische.
Ich werde endlich Hilfe suchen nach 32 Jahren wirst du!
Graeme Hawke.(Bulimie Leidenden für 32 Jahre)

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French



OK! étant un boulimique à long terme Je sais que les voies du Ninja boulimique!
Pourquoi? vous demandez à un Ninja - Parce que nous sommes beaucoup secrètes qui ne veulent jamais à quiconque de connaître notre honte et les raisons pour lesquelles nous faisons ce que nous faisons.
Je vais partager avec vous les choses à rechercher dans vos amis, votre famille ou proches pour voir si ce que vous pensez peut-être vrai.

 
Regardez pour le sang dans l'évier - Souvent, lorsque vous purgez vous endommagez le fond de la gorge et le résultat est le sang dans les crachatsSaignement des gencives - L'acide s'accumuler sur les dents les rend malades et ils saignent au brossage.Brossage excessif des dents - ceci est fait pour enlever l'odeur de maladie ou d'éliminer l'acide et de la nourriture s'accumuler après des vomissements.Boire des quantités excessives d'eau - Eau pendant, avant et après les repas nous permet de vomir facile.Les visites fréquentes aux toilettes pendant les repas si vous êtes dans un restaurant - je finirais entree puis vomir - terminer principale et puis vomir et vomir désert. L'excès d'eau est aussi une bonne excuse pour expliquer pourquoi ils se lever pour aller aux toilettes. Un boulimique professionnel ou victime à long terme peuvent vomir un repas complet dans le même temps qu'il vous faut quelqu'un pour faire pipi, alors ne soyez pas trompés par le temps passé dans les toilettes.Nous disparaissons dans les parties - des moments aléatoires dans un lieu que nous allons laisser à vomir et puis réapparaissent comme si rien ne s'était passé.Recherchez les vaisseaux sanguins en rafale autour des yeux et des sourcils. - C'est un signe de forcer sur le bol - Les filles peuvent couvrir ce avec le maquillage alors soyez vigilant.coup de sang et les yeux larmoyants - un boulimique souvent pleurer de cours d'une purge, non pas parce qu'ils le veulent, mais en raison de l'acte lui-même. si quelqu'un regarde comme ils ont pleuré après une visite aux toilettes, alors c'est s signe de purge.Poids ne diminuera pas! mais souvent on reste la même ou mis davantage sur qui crée un cycle de plus de Sever.Nous mentons bien - je suis le lier plus accompli, vous rencontrerez. Je peux vous regarder dans les yeux et vous n'allez pas me croire.Si vous nous confronter nous mentir - Même si votre chat un boulimique purge ils vont mentir. Nous sommes tellement honte de ce que nous faisons mentalement que cela crée un sentiment total d'incrédulité.À nous crier dessus ne fonctionne pas - Si vous trouvez et affrontez un boulimique ils vont mentir et tenir ferme et que s'aggraver. vous ne serez pas s'empêcher de crier après eux. Ils ont besoin de temps et d'amour pour surmonter cette maladie. Regardez-moi, je suis 49 et je suis toujours en proie.Nous sommes coupables! - Nous nous sentons la culpabilité qui racks notre corps et notre esprit et notre corps aiment détester alors eux en fonction de la durée du cycle.Mangez beaucoup de mauvaises choses - Nous allons passer par des étapes de bien manger, alors la culpabilité qui se passe et le dégoût de soi et nous mangerons plus de malbouffe, ou des choses douces, souvent des trucs qui est facile à purger. IE chocolat / crème glacée / biscuits / sucettes de gâteau.L'aide est pour les personnes malades - nous ne serons jamais d'accord à ce que nous ne sommes pas malades!Aimez-nous et dans le temps, nous allons venir autour.Les boulimiques utilisent le sexe en remplacement de l'amour! - Nous avons besoin de se sentir désiré par notre apparence.Ce que je peux vous dire, c'est que nous sommes malades, voire très mal à la fois physiquement et mentalement. Si vous êtes une victime lisez ceci, vous savez que je suis dans le vrai, le mal physique est à long terme et méchant, à court terme n'est pas bon non plus, mais le principal problème est que peu importe combien de temps vous avez été ou êtes boulimique du temps de votre première purge vous êtes maintenant un malade mental aussi.
Nous nous déplaçons dans l'obscurité de nos propres esprits, le dégoût de soi, les sautes d'humeur, les nuits sans sommeil, les pleurs sans raison, les humeurs sombres qui causent des pensées suicidaires!
Tout ce qui précède sont répandues depuis le premier jour! DAY ONE!! si vous pensez que j'ai tort s'il vous plaît, je voudrais faire valoir le avec vous comme je sais que je suis marchandises endommagées, j'ai sombres jours et des nuits. J'ai une belle femme et ses deux belles filles, mais il ya des moments que je veux pas être ici.
Il s'agit d'une maladie mentale autant sinon plus que physique.
Je vais enfin demander de l'aide après 32 ans tu m'entends!
Graeme Hawke.(Victime boulimique pendant 32 ans)

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Spanish

OK! ser bulímica largo plazo Conozco los caminos del Ninja Bulimic!
¿Por qué? le preguntas a un Ninja - Porque somos muchos secretos que nunca quiere que nadie más lo sepa nuestra vergüenza y las razones de por qué hacemos lo que hacemos.
Voy a compartir con ustedes las cosas que debe buscar en sus amigos, familiares o seres queridos para ver si lo que se sospecha que podría ser verdad.

 
Si hay sangre en el lavabo - A menudo, cuando se purga haya daños en la parte posterior de la garganta y el resultado es la sangre en la salivaSangrado de las encías - El ácido se acumula en los dientes hace que se enfermen y que sangran con el cepillado.Cepillado excesivo de dientes - esto se hace para quitar el olor a enfermo o para eliminar el ácido y los alimentos acumulan después de vomitar.Beber cantidades excesivas de agua - agua durante, antes y después de las comidas nos permite vomitar más fácil.Las visitas frecuentes al baño durante las comidas, si usted está en un restaurante - que terminaría plato luego vomitar - terminar principal y luego vomitar desierto y vomitar. El exceso de agua es también una buena excusa de por qué se levantan para ir al baño. A bulímica profesional o paciente a largo plazo puede vomitar una comida completa en el mismo tiempo que le lleva a alguien a hacer pis, así que no se deje engañar por el tiempo empleado en el baño.Nosotros desaparecemos en las fiestas - de forma aleatoria en un lugar vamos a dejar de vomitar y luego vuelven a aparecer como si nada hubiera sucedido.Busque los vasos sanguíneos rotos alrededor de los ojos y en las cejas. - Esta es una señal de esfuerzo sobre la taza - Las niñas pueden cubrir este con maquillaje para estar atentos.Tiro de la sangre y los ojos llorosos - A menudo bulímica de llorar durante una purga, no porque quieran, sino porque el acto mismo. si alguien parece que han estado llorando después de una visita al baño, entonces este es s signo de purificación.El peso no disminuye! pero a menudo nos quedamos igual o ponemos más en que crea un ciclo más severa.Mentimos bien - Yo soy el mentiroso más logrado que se reunirá. Puedo mirar a los ojos y me lo van a creer.Si nos enfrentamos durmamos - Incluso si su gato una bulímica purga se encuentran. Estamos muy avergonzados de lo que hacemos mental que crea un sentido total de la incredulidad.Gritar a nosotros no funciona - Si encuentras y te enfrentas a una bulímica que mienten y mantenga firme y sólo empeorará. no te atendemos por gritarles. Necesitan tiempo y amor para superar esta enfermedad. Mírame estoy 49 y yo todavía estoy plagado.Somos culpables! - Nos sentimos la culpa que bastidores nuestro cuerpo y la mente y el odio de nuestros cuerpos y luego los quieren en función del momento del ciclo.Comer una gran cantidad de las cosas malas - Vamos a ir a través de las etapas de comer bien, entonces la culpa pasa y el odio hacia uno mismo y vamos a comer más de la chatarra o dulces, a menudo cosas que es fácil de depurar. IE Chocolate / Helado / galletas / pasteles polos.Hay ayuda para las personas enfermas - nunca nos acordamos que no estamos enfermos!Nos encanta y con el tiempo vamos a entrar en razón.Los bulímicos utilizan el sexo en reemplazo del amor! - Hay que sentirse querido por nuestra apariencia.Lo que sí puedo decir es que estamos enfermos, de hecho muy mal, tanto física como mentalmente. Si usted es una víctima leyendo esto, entonces usted sabe que tengo razón, el daño físico es a largo plazo y desagradable, a corto plazo, también no es bueno tampoco, pero el problema principal es que no importa cuánto tiempo usted ha sido o es bulímica desde el momento de la primera purga ahora eres un paciente mental.
Nos movemos en la oscuridad de nuestra propia mente, el odio hacia uno mismo, los cambios de humor, las noches de insomnio, el llanto sin motivo, los humores oscuros que provocan pensamientos suicidas!
Todo lo anterior son frecuentes desde el primer día! DÍA UNO!! si crees que estoy equivocado por favor me gustaría discutirlo con usted como yo sé que soy mercancía dañada, tengo días oscuros y noches. Tengo una hermosa esposa y dos hijas hermosas, pero hay veces que no quiero estar aquí.
Esta es una enfermedad mental tanto o más que físico.
Voy a buscar ayuda por fin después de 32 años que usted!
Graeme Hawke.(Paciente bulímica durante 32 años)

Monday, 26 August 2013

Bulimia - The Haunting Past


 
    
 I am plagued now with the late night taunting of my past, and the debilitating fear of panic attacks as I lay awake trying as I might to forget the past.

       Because no-one knows of my disease except my wife I am pretty much isolated in my own thoughts with this and I am finding out now at the age of 49 that the past has a way of dredging its way up in your mind and creating an issue to deal with today instead of when it happened as a child.

       You see as a child I was called fat, fatty, fatso, fat arse, dumbo, tom-bowler, lard arse, and many more insulting and degrading things, and this was just by my family. I was born a large child and have stayed this way all my life. My mothers pet name for me was fatty, and I never ever felt as though she was being hurtful or nasty in any way, I think it was the way they dealt with obesity in the 50's, 60's and 70's. Make fun of it and it will be a way to get someone to change. well it didn't and it doesn't work.

       My school life was full of taunts and jibes mainly by the boys as the girls always seemed to look past anything and see the real you until peer pressure means they no longer can be seen with a fat guy. It's cruel but true. My father used my weight against me in ways that I see now as outright bullying and full of anger. If I failed at anything it was my physical form that caused the problem, "you stupid fat fuck" for instance was often used if I failed at anything. Girls well that's another story.

       Needless to say I used my anger and vented internally and put it all in a closet away from anyone so they could never see I was damaged or hurt. I learnt at a young age to make people laugh and turn the situation around with humor and sarcasm and used my intellect to defeat the dumb name callers in social situations and my friends all knew I was the jolly one of the group. I was on the outside but deep inside I was fuming and no-one ever knew. It was at 13 that I turned a knife blade onto myself and bled for my size which was my way of trying to end it all, but I could not go through with it and just ended up scaring myself for life and I still have the scars to prove it. Both mentally and physically!

      I took to writing as an outlet for my anger and the darkness that flows within me was evident even to my mother at that young age and at 16 she knew there was a darkness to my soul that would never heal. I just thought I was talented at writing the darker subjects but its now I realize the hate I built up over the years fuels my dark desires.


     If I take a step forward in time through my 32 years of bulimia you can start to see a pattern emerge that I had forgotten existed. I am only now starting to allow myself for some reason remember the pain of my childhood and the past that I thought dead and buried within my mind. I do not know why this is but I need to seek help with this as I wake crying and covered in sweat from the night terrors that haunt my mind. The taunts, the feelings that I should have felt at the time are two fold in my mind and I am a frightened and angry little boy that I never was as a child because I placed the bad parts of my life in a filing cabinet within the darker recesses of my mind. 

     If anyone can help me understand these issues I would love to talk with you as I am in need of a psychiatrist or Psychologist to get past this and if you are looking for a case study I am your man! I need this out of my head so I can move on with my life.

Thanks for reading

Graeme 

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

The grief inside - My body turned against me

For those of you who maybe sufferers of this horrid disease you have my sympathy.

My body is now pulling against me from teh years of suffering and pain I have put it through. My eyesight is leaving me fast and my Gums are in a bad way not to mention the enamal on my teeth is very thin and I am hyper sensitive to hot and cold.

My matabalism is shot and no matter what I do my heart rate does nothing to burn callories anymore.

Not to mention that I hate it when I get a bout of teh guilts and purge even a salad that overfills me in my mind is enough to throw me into a spin. I would love to find a diet that can kick start weight loss and help me loose weight and at teh same time stop me from feeling guilty and pruging. I need to have the full feeling and I think I need to eat less more often but I just dont have the information at hand. maybe I will do some searches on line and see what I can find.

My weight has increased steadily the last 6 minths and I am eating right and excersising but alas I cant loose it and its starting to piss me off. I hate who I am and I hate that others can see it in my now dead eyes, my wife wont come near me and I think she is repulsed by my weight gain. Then she hates it if she knows I purge as well because I might set off one of our daughters if they see me. I am lost I need help and I can help others at the same time why is that? My writing is the only thing that helps me. I have 4 blogs now including this one and three novels published. You can find them on Amazon and iBookstoor as well as Barnes and Nobles.

I am thinking of writing a story of my bulimia and how it has effected my life and my mind over teh 48 years of my life I would love to hear from anyone who might think this is a good or bad idea.

Well I am off to see if I cant loose some of this weight.

Monday, 20 August 2012

My life is a trial

Today I lookad at myself and thought you fat bastard.

I am in a slump at present all weekend I was at the gym and spent hours on the cross trainer burning upward of 2,500 calories. All for what. I have good eating habits and then bam I open a packet of chips. The bag was gone and I was downing a bucket of water to try and help me bring them back up again. I burst all the blood vessles in my eyes because of the strain of trying to bring the food back up out of my stomach. I felt so ashamed of myself that I got all depressed and cried for about 10 minutes before I was overcome with teh need to feed again. 8 heaped teaspoons of Milo into a glass with a tiny bit of milk just to make a sweet milo mud and I was in hevean again feeding my need to hate myself. Again I vomited it all back up and crawled into bed feeling sore and mentally scared from my nights loathing. My wife none the wiser of my escapades I fell asleep thinking all teh time how ashamed I was of myself. Its just not fair. Why do I have to feel this way. I was doing so good but being good means putting weight on and I can ill afford to do that. My life sucks, I hate it so much now.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

just finished my shower and looked at myself in the mirror. Yuk I have put on so much weight I was on the cross trainer yesterday for 90 mins and burt 1600 calaries but for what it just does not translate to weight loss. It sucks I eat well I watch my diet and I have to look after my 76 yr old father today and tonight as he had a knee replacement and he is by himself after mum died. it sucks I cant be thin. I hate my body! I hate throwing up and I hate all this shit. Its just not fair. I eat nothing wrong but still it does not come off. Its no wonder I am like I am but my body has rebelled against me from all the years of Bulimia and now my heart is week and my teeth are playing up. If you are thinking of being like me dont its sucks I tell you. 30+ years of abuse and my body has had enough. Its just not fair!

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Having a hard time lately nothing I do gets my head straight and even teh writing isnt having teh desired effect any more. I write lots because its a distraction from my day to day life. I hate my body and I hate how I look. I just cant get out of the cycle of things. Maybe I need a doctor this time. I am not sure any more my body does not loose teh weight like it used to and my teeth cant take any more vomiting. My self esteme is dying slowly and my sex life is now almost non existant because I cant look at myself in the mirror/ I just hate being a 48 year old fat guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It fucking sucks. Here I am trying to help others with their issues and my own demons have come back to haunt me. I just downwed a pack of Maltesers followed by a litre of water and brought the whole thing up again. My stomache hurts and my eyes have burst blood vessles from the strain.



I HATE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!